5 Ways We are more awesome then our ancestors

Every once in a while, word comes of how awesome our ancestors were, and how dumb and stupid and unethic and lost our generation is compared to them. However, they weren't. If anything they were more raging, annoying little pricks then we ever were. Also we have thermonuclear weapons. Ha!

5: Baghdad Batteries

Look i understand, It's an amazing feat that Iraquis so long ago managed to create these batteries. All I'm saying is they're not all that impressive. Actually they're not impressive at all.

The most common theory fluctuating around is that they were used for electroplating, meaning it was used to cover.... Whatever the hell they were covering, with a small layer of... something.

See, It's not even clear WHAT they were for. Although the Mythbusters have shown it to be plausible to electroplate something with these batt

eries, they were too weak to do it by it self, requiring them to be connected in series, which means they have to be connected together... a technological feat not posessed by our ancestors.

Battery here shown doing absolutely nothing useful

4: The Astronaut at Salamanca Cathedral

This is actually intriguing... Well, kind of... maybe. There have always been stories about how Egyptians and Mayans and Chinese folk could so very well read the stars and how they probably recieved help from aliens because god knows only good god fearing white folks from Europe are capable of actually BEING SMART! But this one, this one story intrigued the world for a while. One day, while strolling by the Cathedral, some fortunate fellow found a carving of what seemed to be an astronaut on the Salamanca Cathedral. This included detailed space suit and even boot footprints.

Whats so interesting about this? Well, whats interesting is that this Cathedral is... OLD AS HELL! The Old Cathedral dates back as far as 1100 A.D, which is, as I said before, old as heck. The new one, however, dates back around 1512. Which is still 400 odd years before men ever left the orbit of the planet. This caused widespread amusement and, to be quite honest, a ton of e-mail spam from friends and co-workers that still circulates to this day, such as:

Subject: Space

man Salamanca, Spain cathedral, Circa July 2008

SALAMANCA, SPAIN

The Cathedral was built in 1102

BUT THERE IS ONE LITTLE "SURPRISE" DETAIL

ANY EXPLANATION TO THAT?

And to that I have an answer. Yes, yes, you moron. There is an answer. And no, they didn't predict the awesomeness the future was going to be. You know why that carving is so freaking awesome, in fact? Because... IT WAS MADE IN 1992! As part of a restauration, in which the renovators added their own contemporary symbol, which is a sort of tradition for them. Good going, idiot. Oh, and way to miss the mark... by 16 years.

3: Automated Doors, Steam Engine and the Holy water Vending Machine from Alexandria

Yes, this is a two in one kind of thing. It's like an awesome deal, but kind of not really. The story goes that, the genius mathematician, awesomely named Hero (totally my kids name), invented the prick move. Wait, no, sorry, he invented the vending machine. Which is basically the prick move

Kind of a prick move, Hero

So pretty much, the man invented a Holy Water dispenser. That's right, the ancients were even more evil then you thought. Not only did they suppress womens right, hold slave, and supported torture and racism, but they charged for HOLY WATER. And they made a machine to make DAMN sure of it. Granted, the man was smart, and now you might be wondering, hey isn't this post supposed to talk down and step on ancient people? Yes, but I've never said they didn't have good seeds, no, they had smart people. Oh, but it gets better...

The Man invented the Automated opening door. For a temple. Actually, this guy invented way too much stuff, basically built around his steam engine concept. Wait did i mention the man invented the FREAKING STEAM ENGINE? Basically Romans could have been riding in full fledged cars almost 2000 years ago had they invested in it. Hell, he invented pretty much the world... But, as this article is about how stupid ancient people were, you guessed it, they destroyed the information. Because ancient people were freaking morons, thats why.

2: Air Planes
Wait, WHAT? AIRPLANES you say? Yes, yes I do. According to recent archeological finds, there were a few civilizations that might have achieved flight. Now let me cut this short, because i mentioned this in the beginning of the text. No they did not. Ok? Sorry But they didn't, and thats that. See I ruined it for you before I told you the story, great excuse to use my comedy drums. Ha! Comedy!

(click for Rimshot)

Ahem... anyhow.... Going back to the story at hand, recent scientific discoveries have revealed that ancient man might have had some comprehension of Aerodynamics for flight. These coming from the artifacts that archeologists recently found In Ancient Egypt and South America, One resembling a hawk and one, surprisingly, modern jet fighters, accordingly. Oh my, how amazing, a structurally feasible hawk model that was actually not able to fly because it didn't have tail flaps! There's a very simple explanation for that: Good job science, you found the ancient equivalent to the rich kids... Paper Airplane.

As for the South American civilizations, It is very hard to explain how they could have ever ever designed something as mathematically complex as an aeroplane without any modern technology and primitive math skills... Oh wait, no, they were better at math then we are today, proof in their calendars, perfectly aligned CITIES, incredibly advanced math culture and insanely advanced astrology. No, this has never crossed the mind of a single archaeologist. That they might have made concept airplanes to say... study math.

Ancient Jet fighter... Oh please Come on seriously?

Because they studied a lot of math and wanted to, say, Oh, I don't know, understand the world around them better. No, of course not, they must be either animals or FREAKING JET FIGHTERS THAT ACTUALLY EXISTED! So I guess this one actually goes out to modern scientists for being too dumb to figure out they were smart enough to do math but too dumb to actually makes things fly. Lets call it evens...

1: The Illuminati
Ok, so maybe it's not so ancient, but, the illuminati, around the late 1700s, were sort of a secret organization bent on taking over some eastern European country. In any case, they got banned. And, as any good secret society, they... wait they were banned? They weren't even that secret? They're kind of like the Masons? Ok you already started sucking from the beginning... moving on, they got banned, and as any good society of secret... they disbanded because of that? Wow. Thats kind of lame.

An Illuminati. Hey, nice FUR coat, WUSS!

As you might have presumed by now, there is, of course, a modern(er) equivalent to the Illuminati. Of course they didn't suck and, for all we know, could still exist. I present to you, the Business Plot.

But, MR.T, you might be yelling, that was a conspiracy, not a secret society! Well my friend, it was a society of people looking to kill Roosevelt. Not only that, but this plot was idealized by none other but the richest men and companies in the country at the time, also known as the Snobby Rich People With Nothing Better To do But Overthrow Governments, or the SRPWNBTBOG (actually that abbreviation isn't doing much better then the original sentence), and that my friend, is a society. However, their plan fell appart because they told their plan to a Marine General... who supported FDR.... Openly.

Look, I'm not asking questions, I'd just like to point out that they share the same gene pool as the modern Wallstreet businessmen, and, let me point out this is completely arbritary and up to your own judgement, The Bush Family.

Now, you might be saying, but hey Mr.T, both failed miserably! Well hell yeah they did but ours was a much more awesomely sinister plot with recognizable names of people we elected into those positions by companies that are so called "loyal" to the country, and it almost freaking happened. The Illuminati were just a bunch of smart men sitting down on a room talking about how pompously cute their fur coat looked. The Business plot had Bush and GM trying to take over the freaking world. You figure it out, my friend...

No, I'll do it for you: Modern times STILL kicked ass.