5 Ways We are more awesome then our ancestors

Every once in a while, word comes of how awesome our ancestors were, and how dumb and stupid and unethic and lost our generation is compared to them. However, they weren't. If anything they were more raging, annoying little pricks then we ever were. Also we have thermonuclear weapons. Ha!

5: Baghdad Batteries

Look i understand, It's an amazing feat that Iraquis so long ago managed to create these batteries. All I'm saying is they're not all that impressive. Actually they're not impressive at all.

The most common theory fluctuating around is that they were used for electroplating, meaning it was used to cover.... Whatever the hell they were covering, with a small layer of... something.

See, It's not even clear WHAT they were for. Although the Mythbusters have shown it to be plausible to electroplate something with these batt

eries, they were too weak to do it by it self, requiring them to be connected in series, which means they have to be connected together... a technological feat not posessed by our ancestors.

Battery here shown doing absolutely nothing useful

4: The Astronaut at Salamanca Cathedral

This is actually intriguing... Well, kind of... maybe. There have always been stories about how Egyptians and Mayans and Chinese folk could so very well read the stars and how they probably recieved help from aliens because god knows only good god fearing white folks from Europe are capable of actually BEING SMART! But this one, this one story intrigued the world for a while. One day, while strolling by the Cathedral, some fortunate fellow found a carving of what seemed to be an astronaut on the Salamanca Cathedral. This included detailed space suit and even boot footprints.

Whats so interesting about this? Well, whats interesting is that this Cathedral is... OLD AS HELL! The Old Cathedral dates back as far as 1100 A.D, which is, as I said before, old as heck. The new one, however, dates back around 1512. Which is still 400 odd years before men ever left the orbit of the planet. This caused widespread amusement and, to be quite honest, a ton of e-mail spam from friends and co-workers that still circulates to this day, such as:

Subject: Space

man Salamanca, Spain cathedral, Circa July 2008

SALAMANCA, SPAIN

The Cathedral was built in 1102

BUT THERE IS ONE LITTLE "SURPRISE" DETAIL

ANY EXPLANATION TO THAT?

And to that I have an answer. Yes, yes, you moron. There is an answer. And no, they didn't predict the awesomeness the future was going to be. You know why that carving is so freaking awesome, in fact? Because... IT WAS MADE IN 1992! As part of a restauration, in which the renovators added their own contemporary symbol, which is a sort of tradition for them. Good going, idiot. Oh, and way to miss the mark... by 16 years.

3: Automated Doors, Steam Engine and the Holy water Vending Machine from Alexandria

Yes, this is a two in one kind of thing. It's like an awesome deal, but kind of not really. The story goes that, the genius mathematician, awesomely named Hero (totally my kids name), invented the prick move. Wait, no, sorry, he invented the vending machine. Which is basically the prick move

Kind of a prick move, Hero

So pretty much, the man invented a Holy Water dispenser. That's right, the ancients were even more evil then you thought. Not only did they suppress womens right, hold slave, and supported torture and racism, but they charged for HOLY WATER. And they made a machine to make DAMN sure of it. Granted, the man was smart, and now you might be wondering, hey isn't this post supposed to talk down and step on ancient people? Yes, but I've never said they didn't have good seeds, no, they had smart people. Oh, but it gets better...

The Man invented the Automated opening door. For a temple. Actually, this guy invented way too much stuff, basically built around his steam engine concept. Wait did i mention the man invented the FREAKING STEAM ENGINE? Basically Romans could have been riding in full fledged cars almost 2000 years ago had they invested in it. Hell, he invented pretty much the world... But, as this article is about how stupid ancient people were, you guessed it, they destroyed the information. Because ancient people were freaking morons, thats why.

2: Air Planes
Wait, WHAT? AIRPLANES you say? Yes, yes I do. According to recent archeological finds, there were a few civilizations that might have achieved flight. Now let me cut this short, because i mentioned this in the beginning of the text. No they did not. Ok? Sorry But they didn't, and thats that. See I ruined it for you before I told you the story, great excuse to use my comedy drums. Ha! Comedy!

(click for Rimshot)

Ahem... anyhow.... Going back to the story at hand, recent scientific discoveries have revealed that ancient man might have had some comprehension of Aerodynamics for flight. These coming from the artifacts that archeologists recently found In Ancient Egypt and South America, One resembling a hawk and one, surprisingly, modern jet fighters, accordingly. Oh my, how amazing, a structurally feasible hawk model that was actually not able to fly because it didn't have tail flaps! There's a very simple explanation for that: Good job science, you found the ancient equivalent to the rich kids... Paper Airplane.

As for the South American civilizations, It is very hard to explain how they could have ever ever designed something as mathematically complex as an aeroplane without any modern technology and primitive math skills... Oh wait, no, they were better at math then we are today, proof in their calendars, perfectly aligned CITIES, incredibly advanced math culture and insanely advanced astrology. No, this has never crossed the mind of a single archaeologist. That they might have made concept airplanes to say... study math.

Ancient Jet fighter... Oh please Come on seriously?

Because they studied a lot of math and wanted to, say, Oh, I don't know, understand the world around them better. No, of course not, they must be either animals or FREAKING JET FIGHTERS THAT ACTUALLY EXISTED! So I guess this one actually goes out to modern scientists for being too dumb to figure out they were smart enough to do math but too dumb to actually makes things fly. Lets call it evens...

1: The Illuminati
Ok, so maybe it's not so ancient, but, the illuminati, around the late 1700s, were sort of a secret organization bent on taking over some eastern European country. In any case, they got banned. And, as any good secret society, they... wait they were banned? They weren't even that secret? They're kind of like the Masons? Ok you already started sucking from the beginning... moving on, they got banned, and as any good society of secret... they disbanded because of that? Wow. Thats kind of lame.

An Illuminati. Hey, nice FUR coat, WUSS!

As you might have presumed by now, there is, of course, a modern(er) equivalent to the Illuminati. Of course they didn't suck and, for all we know, could still exist. I present to you, the Business Plot.

But, MR.T, you might be yelling, that was a conspiracy, not a secret society! Well my friend, it was a society of people looking to kill Roosevelt. Not only that, but this plot was idealized by none other but the richest men and companies in the country at the time, also known as the Snobby Rich People With Nothing Better To do But Overthrow Governments, or the SRPWNBTBOG (actually that abbreviation isn't doing much better then the original sentence), and that my friend, is a society. However, their plan fell appart because they told their plan to a Marine General... who supported FDR.... Openly.

Look, I'm not asking questions, I'd just like to point out that they share the same gene pool as the modern Wallstreet businessmen, and, let me point out this is completely arbritary and up to your own judgement, The Bush Family.

Now, you might be saying, but hey Mr.T, both failed miserably! Well hell yeah they did but ours was a much more awesomely sinister plot with recognizable names of people we elected into those positions by companies that are so called "loyal" to the country, and it almost freaking happened. The Illuminati were just a bunch of smart men sitting down on a room talking about how pompously cute their fur coat looked. The Business plot had Bush and GM trying to take over the freaking world. You figure it out, my friend...

No, I'll do it for you: Modern times STILL kicked ass.

The Philologist, and others...

Ah yes, the philologist.  I don't personally hold the title, or think I am deserving of this title (hell, that'd be slightly narcissist), but I do appreciate the concept. Since I'm in a rather jolly mood, as you can tell by the mere fact I'm writing something,  let alone something that might make sense if you squint your eyes really hard and think for more then, say, 10 seconds,  I'll tell you what the word means instead of sending you off on a dictionary.com quest. A philologist, in the pure meaning of the word, is simply a lover of literature, linguistics (including rhetoric) and learning, as well as a more recent addition of languages.

The second image on google image search for Philologist. Because even an obscure word managed to be degraded into porn on the Internet...

The literal term of Philologist is, interestingly enough, someone that loves to argue. How this translates modernly into lover of literature, learning, or language is rather complicated.  If I had to take a stab at why it turned into this, considering the term is in Hellenistic Greek, and back then, works were conveyed by mouth, loving the original content would mean loving the argument. Over the years the term translated into loving the original work, and more recently, since those works are mostly in obscure, extinct languages, the real philologist has to be quite savvy, or appreciate the original language of the work,  which would make him a lover of the languages in which it is written, at least. Moving on...

To more pressing matters, I want to address my recent lack of... pretty much absolutely anything. In a public blog, quite possibly the most private place to do this, because, as they say, hiding in plain sight is the best form of... hiding? Besides the fact that it makes absolutely no sense, there's about, what, two people reading this including me and my cat*, so its safe to assume no one will read this. Back on track, though, I'm a stubborn person. I hold on to my beliefs and convictions rather stupidly, for lack of better word. Why stupidly? Why, because I rather sacrifice a grade then write uninspired gibberish a 4 year old could come up with.

Plus, I hadn't found a rimshot flash to make my comedy that much better.

*As I finished typing that, my cat left the room, which makes me officially the only person to ever read this blog.

(click for Rimshot)

Ok that wasn't admitedly funny but I totally made a whole post based on a red button for future comedy. Seriously, thats what the whole post was about. Sweet.

A Hiatus.

Writers block suck. Boo! hows two weeks without writing feel? Awesome actually, but thats probably beyond the point. Or exactly the point. I don't know, care, or even actually realize the whole depth of the situation. If there even is one. You're probably not following this anymore. I know I'm not.

Personally, I don't care. I don't know what to write about. Thats right. No clue. Mock me if you will, I'll simply crush you like a fly (mentally).

No, but really. I'm writing about not knowing what to write about. It could be a move of pure genius or proof i really have no clue what to do. Don't think it's a case of laziness. I care about my grade really. However I care about the quality* of writing. I just decided to write. So I thought I'd write the 1st thing that comes to my mind when I see a certain object...

Lays Bag: Vinegar

CD: Girls Girls Girls (the Motley Crue song)

Bag Full of money with the $ sign: I don't have one. It makes me sad.

DVD set of Rome: (censored)

Keanu Reaves: Oddly enough, Time travel. Yes I know you probably think he's just stupid and laugh at his attempt to act. But Bill and Teds Excelent adventures was most excelent.

Ok I'm done. Whatever.

The State of the Union

Yesterday, the Godhead figure (I think he's called Obama?) delivered a less then memorable, forgettable speech about the State of the Union. Surprisingly, It's not Sugar, Rainbows, Spices, and our personal fairies to fulfill our very wishes (which was what most critics expected). But these are unimportant issues the stupid pundits (Heh Oxymorons... By the way this is the second time Blogger spell check has failed. PUNDIT IS A WORD DAMN IT!) can tackle. I will tackle a much more important issue:

How absurdly annoying Nancy Pelosi is. And the other stuff that happened in the speech that caught my attention fleetingly.

Look, I understand that, as the speaker of the house, your job is to... Well honestly I don't know what your job is, and quite frankly, speaking to a house sounds far too insane and Far-fetched a job for anyone to hold...

...Ok I take that back. However Pelosi's first job is obviously not talking to walls in houses. No, her 1st Job is annoying me into oblivion. Seriously she stood up so much she managed to annoy me from several angles...

Look, I tuned in to the speech awfully late. How late? it was ten minutes to the end. You know how many times she stood up in those ten minutes? Nine, and yes, I counted. That's almost one time every minute. This makes me wonder whether or not she was listening to the speech, or cues to stand up and clap. The evidence points to the latter. Why would such a person do so? To boast the morale of the house, its member, and the people watching? One could argue that. But one would be stupid, because one doesn't know the truth. Nanci Pelosi was hired to annoy me. That's right. Her single purpose in life is to make mine hell. She's a fire-breathing, word-spitting, house-speaking, mind-pinching she-devil. 

This is an actual Excerpt from the speech*:

"When I was seven years old, Nation, I had hope! Hope I could change America. However I was pantsed by the local bully, America. But I prevailed, with the Hope of Audacity... Although I wet the sheets tonight, It was quite embarrassing, America... It was."

Then she proceeded to stand up. To annoy me. Oh how i spite thee, Nancy Pelosi...

*Complete bull-feces

But despite Pelosi trying to ruin my mental health, which to be honest, isn't quite as stable as it once was, the speech also had its interesting pieces.

The Highlights:

Obama almost literally Quoting a Chevy commercial... Or Bank of America, I forget. (This is America... Part)

The Camera man for Cspan clapping at the microfone, making a hilariously profane noise

Some guy always coughing and moaning when Obama said Hope

Obama finishing his "Strenght of the Worlds" part of the speech and expecting the house to clap, only to look hilariously confused for a second.

Leonard Abess Jr. looking like he spent his $60,000,000 bonus in illicit drugs.

The most Awkward 3 way hug I've ever seen a 1st lady give, EVER.

Joe Biden Giving Pelosi evil looks and refusing to stand up to clap.

Sadly these totally awesome moments were not enough to redeem the Address to Congress (Why can't he call it a State of the Union when IT IS a state of the union? Is there a State of the Union deposit fund he didn't want to tap into?). Although I enjoyed imagining I could put the quarters in my table on Joe Bidens eyes (They'd fit perfectly in there, yes they would...), that was about the only redeeming part of the speech. It wasn't awkwardly awful like the Bush speeches, it was almost as vague as an Obama speech, naturally, and didn't bolster the intense hilarity and racism of Reagan speeches, or the Epicness of a Roosevelt (both) speech.

If i had to predict, Obama is going to be a mediocre President. And yes, all because his speech didn't have any redeeming comedic value whatsoever.

Oh and Screw you Pelosi.

Water-Polo!*_*

This be Jose E., I'm happy to guest-star in my friend REALLY AWESOME PERSON WHO IS REALLY AWESOME TADEU'S award winning blog for randomness. Anyways, tomorrow is my fist water-polo game of the season( why would u care, well i frankly don't give a &*%^ if you care or not, besides its my post!) hence i decided to talk/ brainwash you with ideas about the sport of water-polo. You could not imagine the Adrenaline rush going through me right now as i write this post and i know it will not be very pleasing for me tomorrow in the game, in fact a quite bloody and painful four 6minute quarters. Although many people think its a kind of laid back, softy sport, those people should immediately be dropped in the middle of the ocean without anything and try to stay afloat for hours while holding one of their arms up high and being repeatedly kicked in the stomach, and then we'll see what they really think of water-polo. The words soft, polite, considerate, clean, and family jewels do not exist in the vocabulary of the water-polo. I am TELLING YOU right now that water-polo is one of the harshest, most spirit-breaking , most unforgiving, dirtiest, nipple twisting, ass pinching... i can go on although i think it might get inappropriate, but the point is that you will respect the water-polo or else! and just to enforce that, here's a picture of Mr. T.:

"I pity the Fool who don't respect the water-polo!"

Anyways, the team at Cypress is looking good for the moment. Our coach has taken the liberty as well as done us a favor to force us to swim for hours until we can't feel our legs and to perform drills where you get harassed more than Bush(although she throws really well- pumped, hard as brick balls at us instead of a shoe, and there is no dodging, her aim is too good!). But I know this hardship will pay-off tomorrow at the game. Coincidentally, we face our toughest opponent, Flannagan high(porque Jesus?? :-( ?) so i ask you, the reader to pray for the team, and luckily, we'll win instead of dislocating any bones, or drowning. Anyways, here's a video about dirty, painful, and immoral fun, go to 1:01(that one really hurts!)

PS. Before you complain, no one dies in the making of this video as well as the actual game play, besides, you actually thought for a moment that I'm as messed up as Tadeu? I would never post a video of someone dying! Jesus!!!
Don't forget to tune into the after shock on Friday for a special report on the Cypress varsity water-polo team.

Tadeu to Jose: I can edit your posts, so for every purposeful misspelling of my name there will be a rainbow on your post. Thats two. Sorry!

With lack of love, and maybe a little bit of spite,

-Mr. T
-And Thank You Jose for the contribution, you're the Greatest/ most brilliant friend ever! I wish I was as brilliant , handsome, and GREAT as you!

P.S: Yeah I enlarged those words for the purpose of hilarity. I laughed.

A Stroke of Luck.

As I'm browsing Slate guffawing at their leftist agenda, I find the only reason I discovered this pathetic website (also known as my home page). Matthew Polly. Who is this mediocre being of questionable name, you ask? Why, he's the author of American Shaolin, one of my favorite books. Why do I care about what he does after he wrote the book? Because his travel accounts are awesome, that's why. So, why am I writing a column about a regular author at a magazine that is unimportant enough not to reach the printed medium? Well, screw you that's why. Oh and secondly, because he is no regular writer for the magazine. He only writes well traveled columns, which come every 6 months from him or so, if not more.

This article is about his visit to St. Petersburg, and Russia in general. At the time of this post, this is still ongoing, as he is updating it throughout the week.

One of the things that attract me about this man (not literally, may I add... I don't ride the rainbow) is his writing style. If you bother reading the article, you'll notice I take much influence from his own works, but quite frankly, I'm 10x better then him*.  I try to emulate in some ways, what goes through my mind in a witty and controversial way, although, to be quite honest, he's still beating me. I do not believe I could conceive a sentence such as "Such was her reputation that an urban legend grew that she had died while attempting sex with a stallion, making her the patron saint of both bad girls and horny horses."†

*Ok probably not...

†"Oh and he got into an orgy (Word History: The word orgy has become connected in the minds of many of us with unrestrained sexual activity, but its origins are much less licentious. We can trace the word as far back as the Indo-European root *werg-, meaning "to do," also the source of our word work. Greek orgia, "secret rites, worship," comes from *worg-, one form of this root. The Greek word was used with reference to the rites practiced in the worship of various deities, such as Orpheus and Dionysus. The word in Greek did not denote sexual activity, although this was a part of some rites. The rites of Dionysus, for example, included only music, dancing, drinking, and the eating of animal sacrifices. Having passed through Latin and Old French into English, the word orgy is first recorded in English with reference to the secret rites of the Greek and Roman religions in 1589. It is interesting to note that the word is first recorded with its modern sense in 18th-century English and perhaps in 17th-century French. Whether this speaks to a greater licentiousness in society or not must be left to the historian, but certainly the religious nature of the word has gone into eclipse.)with 8 people one time. And hooked up with incredibly stupidly ridiculously hot people (read people because he hooked up with more hot girls AND boys than you ever will, ever).  Needless to say he was badassedly awesome." Ok maybe I could make a whole insane sentence though.

Yes. That is Mathew Polly. Did I tell you why he wrote the book? No? Well, to summarize, he felt like learning Kung-fu... first hand, from the Chinese... during the 90s.

He is also my inspiration to many things that I now make a habit in life, such as talking to taxi cabs. Polly always says taxi drivers are the best conveyors of a countries situation and the best description of its people as there can be. I believe this to be true, talking to a taxi cab in Argentina, Brasil, America.  His own ethics inspire mine, taking his own word as law, and holding up to his own morals, all while still being informative, funny, and captivating as a person, and as a writer. He was not afraid of chasing happiness at the cost of endangering his Education, Reputation, Life (dysentery is a female dog).

Now go buy his book. If you MUST read it immediately, you can borrow my old, battered copy, but I'd rather you buy it...

Grrr... I'll bite you. Wait what?

Connan

Just thought this would be funny for all the people around calling me Mr.T. In other news...