And in more recent news...

So here are some recent news you may find interesting (at least when viewed in my shoes).

Today, Chrysler filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. I'm not sure what a chapter 10 or a chapter 12 one is, but chapter 11 sure sounds bad. I mean Harry Potter has like 14 Chapters and its 375239573851289571* pages long. Here's hoping it goes bankrupt so we don't get any more crappy overpriced cars from a company led by less efficient yet more boring Oompa Loompas.

*No, no it's not. You moron.

In other news, today, in an attempt to kill The Dutch Crown, a guy took the way less conventional way of Driving a car through a crowd, killing five people. Sounds scary? Don't worry it's a whole lot more retarded then it seems, just like everything in life. Lets break down the oddities now.

1. The Dutch have a royal family? Holy crap.

2.The man plowed a Suzuki Swift into the crowd. I don't know if you've ever seen a Suzuki swift, but it's a particularly pathetic car. I don't know if you're familiar with an European car. Let me put it this way. You know the SUV your father probably drives because HE'S A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING? Well, that car is about the size of the freaking Lights on your dads EarthMurder car. Running someone over with a Suzuki is like throwing a deodorant stick at a large crowd and actually causing chaos and death. Want me to be MORE Specific? This is literally the Geo Metro. No kidding.

3. The Royal Family was up in a bus. Open deck bus...

4. The guy had no previous history of mental health.

5. He was not armed. And crashed into a monument.

Ok, Number one. Yes, they apparently do. I did not know this. Awesome

Number two is where it gets REALLY interesting. So I'll just mix 2-5 together, follow me here for a minute...

This whole event is retarded in so many different levels, it's actually hard to explain it to you with a serious face. The guy obviously had not planed anything ahead. You do not try to murder the Royal Family with a Geo Metro. You're more likely to receive their express permission to punch them in the scrotum before you ever do that. See, the Suzuki swift is a Geo Metro, which was marketed by GM. So we have a stupid dutch driving an American/Japanese/A ton of other stuff car, making this one of the most multicultural killing machines ever made, driving at a whoping ~40KM/H, running over people and killing them.

Because he wanted to kill the Royal family...

Which he wasn't even aiming at.



And he crashed into a monument...







Also not even close to the bus they were in, which was a giant target.
I'll give you a minute...







Ok, so this story tells me that A. The growing Elderly population of the Netherlands went down by 5 today. Because only old people are fragile enough to die from that. Seriously. Honestly. I don't mean to mock their deaths but you just don't want to put that in your Obituary, kind of like "Here lies Bob Von Dutch, lived a good life, raised 18 children, fought two world wars, killed by a Geo Metro." Thats really sad, I'd hate to have that happen to me.

B. Dutch don't know how to drive.

C. Americans are the cause/solution to EVERYTHING in the planet, especially GM, and...

D. HOW DO YOU MISS A GIGANTIC RED TWO STORY BUS AND HIT A MONUMENT? SERIOUSLY! I mean if you REALLY wanted to kill the Royal family, how about this one: A gun. It's less expensive then a car, more accurate, won't kill innocent (presumably elderly) Bistanders, and wont embarrass the whole Dutch nation in one swift move (I swear to god no pun intended).

My condolences to the families and the Dutch people for their losses, and a congratulations to Mr. Suzuki idiot for proving once again that humanity can be much more stupid then you ever thought possible.

Today was a horrible day for indians about a Half a millenia ago...

And they didn't even know it. April 30th of 1492, our good friend and mass murderer slash slaver Christopher "The D*ck" Columbus received the commission to explore the Indies through the Atlantic from the Queen and King of Spain. Now, I'm not one to make jokes about Genocide. However I'm known for making fun of Genociders (Ed- Thats not a word is it?). I mean, come on. Hitler was a raging homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh besides the fact that he tried exterminating them too. Sorry Nazis but you could be tough, you could be organized, but your boss was the most FABULOUS vegetarian artist turned mass murderer, like, EVEEEER!

Ok but back on topic, even though Columbus didn't kill a bagazillion billion billion Indians on purpose, he did indeed deal in Indian forced labor. And thats a pretty dastardly thing to do. No one likes to be enslaved, specially by some short white guy with a fruity Italian accent. But the man seems to be a nearly accidental killing machine, introducing European diseases onto the Indians, and this one is soooooo much better yet way less well known, ahem, listen to this...

His crew apparently brought back Syphillis to Europe, which may have caused upwards to 5 million deaths. Not only that, but they also brought a plethora of brand new Veneral diseases which were ALL the rage among the ruling elites... and the whores. And pretty much half the population of Europe, including the goats (Ed-You're going to hell for this. You bastard). In fact, if you count the people that died as a consequence of his discovery, then you can count LITERALLY everyone to die since 1492 on the new world, and countless in Europe, including World War one, World War two, and any curent wars that might be going on.

God the guy puts Hitler to shame. I mean this is long term extermination. I hereforth pass a motion to name today, March 30th, Everything in the future is about to go to [crap] because of Columbus, that jerk day.

In Other News...

While reading Times Magazine, which I subscribe to (Take a note ladies, I have good rhetoric, I'm good looking, AND smart, ignore the cynicism please), I came across an article about how the United States could not lose in Afghanistan. Being the genius political analyst and war strategist that I am, I did not bother to read it, however, I looked at the picture, and realized something possibly lifechanging: Holy crap Afghanistan is not just a desert. Shocking, I know. All depictions I've had of this country were lies. Time to sue Charlie Wilson. Or Tom Hanks.... Ok lets settle for Julia Roberts. No one likes her anyways.

This bring up many questions in my head. Like, if Afghanistan is not a crappy desert, does this mean India and Pakistan had been fighting for Kashmir because it's actually a pretty place? So I investigated and discovered ANOTHER amazing revelation: Pakistan is also not a desert! In fact it looks hell of pretty. This means America might not be the only place which is NOT a desert in the world. In fact I looked it up and there's a desert here, so it might actually be the other way around, I don't know. Ok but seriously, I did realize there are other places with beauty in the world (See, that's why I told you to ignore the cynicism), but in a way, Afghanistan has never been portrayed as a place of beauty. No Middle Eastern country has, and maybe that is only because of the fact that they are displayed negatively to western countries.

The media has a huge control over how we think of our own world. It is scary to know that you can fall prey to this control, caught unaware. I've always wanted to travel the world, but to be honest, I had no curiosity about Afghanistan. Now, more then ever, I want to visit those locations in the world no one even knows about. So I bought a NEW book (which makes it 8 books I'm reading right now, once again ladies, take note). This Australian dude travels to these random locations not even he knows the name, the least pronouncable the name the better, and has crazy adventures there not knowing where the bloody hell he is. Although he's Australian and can survie anything, scientifically proven, and so far so good.

Now why the hell did I buy this book? Because 1, I can, 2 I wanted to, and 3, I plan on seeing the world one day. The REAL world, not the made up one everyone knows about like Disneyland, Paris' sewers (French people don't shower or use the bathroom, of course its fake, DUH), and the Brazilian congress (I'm pretty sure its just a warehouse to stuff the huge piles of money our government makes running drugs). I want to see the REAL world, the one where you meet people from those cultures, learn the language, and immerse your self in it. The least commercialized, the most exciting, the real, the dangerous. Life is short, so why not?

Try reading THAT bunch of Nonsense, Stoklosa. It doesn't even follow a rational patter.

-I win.

How to...

In the U.S, there's a particularly high rate on how to spend a free night in jail. Some of them involve evading arrest, assaulting an officer or just being mean to mail-boxes (this may require a baseball bat). However there are always weird laws that will get you arrested if you're pulled over by a semi-pissed off cop. And they will, eventually. Seriously you just don't die without some form of criminal record, I'm pretty sure it was Ben Franklin who said, and I'm paraphrasing this, "You can't be sure about anything in life but death and taxes... Oh and getting arrested, that too."

And I trust his words, the man pretty much founded America (he was a president... right?), plus he got fresh with a lot of French women (I'm sure that's why the French never liked us a lot), a tradition many American High school graduates backpacking still carry on to this day. But WHY did Big Ben (heh It's a British pun, get it?) say such a thing (he did, right?)? I'll tell you why! Because he knew we would have stupid laws that would catch us out of surprise and get us arrested.

I don't mean to pass judgment but I simply want to dwell deeper into why these laws even exist. Such as:

You cannot view Moose from an Airplane.... I cannot find the rationale behind this law. Therefore you must look deeper into why you cannot do this. These things are not outlawed for no good reason. Maybe it has to do with it being illegal to push a Moose out of a moving airplane (airborne not specified). This also means someone did this at one point to usher a law about it, which brings into light the sanity (or lack of thereof) of the Alaskan people...

There are also events in life which our government tells us is actually a lie. And then they proceed to completely contradict them selves for no apparent reasons in a public display of idiocy.

For example, our government repeatedly told us that project Blue Book was to keep track of Soviet technology during the Cold war, however, it seems focused on Alien (rather then soviet) technology. Another example, which is far more retarded and obvious, may be the Arizona Firefighters training manual, which deals directly with... ahem....... and this is not a joke....

UFO encounters. Seriously. Right on the manual. Ok seriously how many times do aliens visit freaking Arizona anyways? Whats in Arizona that seems to be so interesting to Aliens? This is one of the regions with the most reported UFO encounters. Roswell must be full of "Alien" gold and if thats the case, by god, we should start taking advantage of that. Either that, or Nuke Arizona (whats that? we have? Never mind then). No one will REALLY miss it, seriously...
But honestly, what prompts them to have to write about aliens in their manual? I understand wanting to be prepared, they're firefighters after all.

But it does seem silly that Arizona, of all places, would do that, considering its the Alien Meccha of the world, and not only that, but it does seem odd that they'd be descriptive enough to go into how to treat an alien and even what might happen once you get to a crash site.




(Do you even know how long it takes me to upload one of these videos? Ughhh)

How I get things done...

This is not a conventional post. It won't have witty remarks, pictures of Mr.T spread around randomly, narcissistic remarks, or disguised phallic allegory. It won't contain opinions, it won't contain TOO much Logical fallacy. It will be a simple post. A post on how I do things.

If you know me well, and I don't believe you do, you would know I have what I call my Black Notebook. This is where I write down, for lack of a better generalizing word, things. Now, note that the Black Notebook is not actually black in this incarnation. In fact this is the 6th Incarnation of the Black Notebook, So it is Black Notebook #4. (Black Notebook and Black Notebook #0 being the first two, if the math didn't add up)

Here, I write down ideas, any random train of thought that might be salvageable, coherent, or slightly interesting. Sadly I can't refer to my old notes because all of the previous incarnations of these books have been burned. In two different incidents.
You could say I am a man with weird luck. Numbers - to 1 (the first three books) burned to the ground over 5 years ago, when my grandmothers apartment caught on fire. All of my baby pictures, as well as many of my earliest (probably not) good ideas were burned to the ground, as well as most of her worldly possessions.

Book #3 died in a very similar yet almost unbelievably unpredictable way. Book #3 was borrowed to a friend of mine over sophmore winter break. He kept it with him for some time, and took it with him to the exterior. In his journeys, #3 found itself in London. On the Market district, in fact. That same market district that decided to incinerate it self one of these days. It was the day the book was there. In total, the book was burned, as well as nearly fifty Euros and a map, with the backpack.

Now, you're pointing out that it would still leave out #2 and the newest ones. Those are the ones I still have, and which I have been taking ideas out from for these blogs for the last few months. If you love it, you have those books to thank, if you hate it, hint, the newest black book is actually red. You know, in case you feel like you must destroy this plague of bad humor from the world.

Busy Busy...

In life, there are moments a man must take action to change, fix, or shape the world around him. Sadly most fail miserably at it, or, at least disappoint some previously placed standards he must meet according to society. However, going through these processes may also change things positively.

You might be wondering why I'm telling you, the reader,(and i feel it is important to point out you're the reader, you know, in case you didn't know) this. I am in a weird crossroads in my life. Work and School are converging, as well as personal business and, in an ironic twist of events, lately, the government. This has cut down on my time considerably this school year. Thankfully I had predicted this last year, saving me much trouble. I did not pick any honors or AP classes for my Junior year because I knew beforehand just how tumultuous this year would be. I had not realized how much, however.

Thankfully, by the end of spring break all of this is going to be over with, and I will have my free time restored. I personally believe a human being deserves a minimum amount of leisure every day, or at the least every week, he should meet. Currently, I'm behind schedule.

This is all due to the latest happenings in my life. It is odd to think my mom might be moving next year, and that I might finally be living alone, or with a friend. It would be, had this not been the case for most of the year, in a way. Before today, I had not seen my mother in nearly two weeks. I did occasionally meet my brother coming into the house or leaving, but that was about it. Now, I will have more free time. This is due to me doing all I need to for the move early on, opening savings and checking accounts, getting all of my papers in order, registering the car, purchasing several things (not going to list them), and ironically being called for jury duty, which is surprising to me because I thought you had to be a permanent resident (which I am not). Thankfully I was dismissed after 2 days. With this also comes the fact that I will have far more time to actually work on school next year, which is a first in nearly 5 years (since I got to the U.S.A).

I am taking 3 AP classes next year. This requires me to look for another machine to do my work with, because, incredibly, the desktop I have is not managing the already large load of work and use I have put it through this year. That being said, a Netbook (which is a small laptop kind of computer) will also benefit me because it is much more portable. In fact, it is, by all definitions, what portable was meant to be. It has a 10 inch screen, 120GB of HD space, 3 USB entrances, and a Webcam. This allows me to work as well as do schoolwork on this computer from anywhere (assuming I own an internet card, such as the ones Verizon offers). It is also beneficial in case of sudden inspiration bolts I occasionally get, ending the need for my black-book, where I take down all of my ideas.

All in all I am anxious but nervous about next year. I'm not sure why I'd even reveal this massive ammount of personal information on a place as public as the internet, but personally, I do not care. I wish you all luck on your seniour year, and hopefully I'll have some my self...

5 Ways We are more awesome then our ancestors

Every once in a while, word comes of how awesome our ancestors were, and how dumb and stupid and unethic and lost our generation is compared to them. However, they weren't. If anything they were more raging, annoying little pricks then we ever were. Also we have thermonuclear weapons. Ha!

5: Baghdad Batteries

Look i understand, It's an amazing feat that Iraquis so long ago managed to create these batteries. All I'm saying is they're not all that impressive. Actually they're not impressive at all.

The most common theory fluctuating around is that they were used for electroplating, meaning it was used to cover.... Whatever the hell they were covering, with a small layer of... something.

See, It's not even clear WHAT they were for. Although the Mythbusters have shown it to be plausible to electroplate something with these batt

eries, they were too weak to do it by it self, requiring them to be connected in series, which means they have to be connected together... a technological feat not posessed by our ancestors.

Battery here shown doing absolutely nothing useful

4: The Astronaut at Salamanca Cathedral

This is actually intriguing... Well, kind of... maybe. There have always been stories about how Egyptians and Mayans and Chinese folk could so very well read the stars and how they probably recieved help from aliens because god knows only good god fearing white folks from Europe are capable of actually BEING SMART! But this one, this one story intrigued the world for a while. One day, while strolling by the Cathedral, some fortunate fellow found a carving of what seemed to be an astronaut on the Salamanca Cathedral. This included detailed space suit and even boot footprints.

Whats so interesting about this? Well, whats interesting is that this Cathedral is... OLD AS HELL! The Old Cathedral dates back as far as 1100 A.D, which is, as I said before, old as heck. The new one, however, dates back around 1512. Which is still 400 odd years before men ever left the orbit of the planet. This caused widespread amusement and, to be quite honest, a ton of e-mail spam from friends and co-workers that still circulates to this day, such as:

Subject: Space

man Salamanca, Spain cathedral, Circa July 2008

SALAMANCA, SPAIN

The Cathedral was built in 1102

BUT THERE IS ONE LITTLE "SURPRISE" DETAIL

ANY EXPLANATION TO THAT?

And to that I have an answer. Yes, yes, you moron. There is an answer. And no, they didn't predict the awesomeness the future was going to be. You know why that carving is so freaking awesome, in fact? Because... IT WAS MADE IN 1992! As part of a restauration, in which the renovators added their own contemporary symbol, which is a sort of tradition for them. Good going, idiot. Oh, and way to miss the mark... by 16 years.

3: Automated Doors, Steam Engine and the Holy water Vending Machine from Alexandria

Yes, this is a two in one kind of thing. It's like an awesome deal, but kind of not really. The story goes that, the genius mathematician, awesomely named Hero (totally my kids name), invented the prick move. Wait, no, sorry, he invented the vending machine. Which is basically the prick move

Kind of a prick move, Hero

So pretty much, the man invented a Holy Water dispenser. That's right, the ancients were even more evil then you thought. Not only did they suppress womens right, hold slave, and supported torture and racism, but they charged for HOLY WATER. And they made a machine to make DAMN sure of it. Granted, the man was smart, and now you might be wondering, hey isn't this post supposed to talk down and step on ancient people? Yes, but I've never said they didn't have good seeds, no, they had smart people. Oh, but it gets better...

The Man invented the Automated opening door. For a temple. Actually, this guy invented way too much stuff, basically built around his steam engine concept. Wait did i mention the man invented the FREAKING STEAM ENGINE? Basically Romans could have been riding in full fledged cars almost 2000 years ago had they invested in it. Hell, he invented pretty much the world... But, as this article is about how stupid ancient people were, you guessed it, they destroyed the information. Because ancient people were freaking morons, thats why.

2: Air Planes
Wait, WHAT? AIRPLANES you say? Yes, yes I do. According to recent archeological finds, there were a few civilizations that might have achieved flight. Now let me cut this short, because i mentioned this in the beginning of the text. No they did not. Ok? Sorry But they didn't, and thats that. See I ruined it for you before I told you the story, great excuse to use my comedy drums. Ha! Comedy!

(click for Rimshot)

Ahem... anyhow.... Going back to the story at hand, recent scientific discoveries have revealed that ancient man might have had some comprehension of Aerodynamics for flight. These coming from the artifacts that archeologists recently found In Ancient Egypt and South America, One resembling a hawk and one, surprisingly, modern jet fighters, accordingly. Oh my, how amazing, a structurally feasible hawk model that was actually not able to fly because it didn't have tail flaps! There's a very simple explanation for that: Good job science, you found the ancient equivalent to the rich kids... Paper Airplane.

As for the South American civilizations, It is very hard to explain how they could have ever ever designed something as mathematically complex as an aeroplane without any modern technology and primitive math skills... Oh wait, no, they were better at math then we are today, proof in their calendars, perfectly aligned CITIES, incredibly advanced math culture and insanely advanced astrology. No, this has never crossed the mind of a single archaeologist. That they might have made concept airplanes to say... study math.

Ancient Jet fighter... Oh please Come on seriously?

Because they studied a lot of math and wanted to, say, Oh, I don't know, understand the world around them better. No, of course not, they must be either animals or FREAKING JET FIGHTERS THAT ACTUALLY EXISTED! So I guess this one actually goes out to modern scientists for being too dumb to figure out they were smart enough to do math but too dumb to actually makes things fly. Lets call it evens...

1: The Illuminati
Ok, so maybe it's not so ancient, but, the illuminati, around the late 1700s, were sort of a secret organization bent on taking over some eastern European country. In any case, they got banned. And, as any good secret society, they... wait they were banned? They weren't even that secret? They're kind of like the Masons? Ok you already started sucking from the beginning... moving on, they got banned, and as any good society of secret... they disbanded because of that? Wow. Thats kind of lame.

An Illuminati. Hey, nice FUR coat, WUSS!

As you might have presumed by now, there is, of course, a modern(er) equivalent to the Illuminati. Of course they didn't suck and, for all we know, could still exist. I present to you, the Business Plot.

But, MR.T, you might be yelling, that was a conspiracy, not a secret society! Well my friend, it was a society of people looking to kill Roosevelt. Not only that, but this plot was idealized by none other but the richest men and companies in the country at the time, also known as the Snobby Rich People With Nothing Better To do But Overthrow Governments, or the SRPWNBTBOG (actually that abbreviation isn't doing much better then the original sentence), and that my friend, is a society. However, their plan fell appart because they told their plan to a Marine General... who supported FDR.... Openly.

Look, I'm not asking questions, I'd just like to point out that they share the same gene pool as the modern Wallstreet businessmen, and, let me point out this is completely arbritary and up to your own judgement, The Bush Family.

Now, you might be saying, but hey Mr.T, both failed miserably! Well hell yeah they did but ours was a much more awesomely sinister plot with recognizable names of people we elected into those positions by companies that are so called "loyal" to the country, and it almost freaking happened. The Illuminati were just a bunch of smart men sitting down on a room talking about how pompously cute their fur coat looked. The Business plot had Bush and GM trying to take over the freaking world. You figure it out, my friend...

No, I'll do it for you: Modern times STILL kicked ass.